Texas Chainsaw 3D
★
Dir. John Luessenhop
(2013)
The build up to watching Texas Chainsaw 3D and then actually having to watch Texas Chainsaw 3D is much like the experience of seeing a lake of flaming shit on the horizon from the window of a small aircraft and then attempting to safely land in it. Of course, if you survive your little nosedive into this flaming excrement, the only thing to do while you wait for the ambulance to arrive is complain about the smell and the mess swishing around in your socks. But then you have to think; Hey, I did this to myself. This total blind mistake of a film drops the "The" and the "Massacre" from its title along with any semblance of terror or dread to construct a revolting disrespectful and pointless horror film exactly in the mould of the ones we have recently been attempting to take down.
Luessenhop's films insulting introduction belittles one of the perfect endings in horror history by tacking on another massacre by the townsfolk of Newt, Texas, killing all of the demented inbred Sawyer family inside their home. One child escapes and is taken by some nice toothless bumpkins, only slightly less murderous than the Sawyer family, and miraculously grows up into a stunningly beautiful self-assured young lady named Heather (Alexandra Daddario) with not a limp or a bucktooth in sight. She works in a supermarket with her push up bra modelling friend (Tania Raymonde), has a boyfriend who seems nice but obviously isn't (Trey Songz) and could have some artistic aspirations (this is showed by her tinkering with a painting for 2 seconds) but the producers don't seem to be too interested in that. What they do care about is her exquisite love for midriff tops and her DD frame. Now, that's character.
So, she inherits this house from her real grandmother (seen only for a split second as a corpse, making her the luckiest actor in this whole piece) and takes her pack of brainless unlikable friends plus a dripping wet shirtless hitch-hiking piece of eye candy for the ladies out to take a peek at her new digs before they head to New Orleans for Halloween. Neglecting to read a letter, which she is told no less than 5 times to read by her dear granny's lawyer, the group don't realise that old Jed "Leatherface" Sawyer, who would now probably be about 68 by the way, is living down in the basement. The four of them tit about for a while and play pool while the tension builds. To Nothing.
Even when Leatherface is out and about terrorising the victims the film makers add nothing to the original, using every kill from the 1973 version. Laziness camouflaged as homage. Not only that, the poor old murdering codger is also hindered by the fact that he has to throw his chainsaw at the camera a few times to warrant the extra $2 for 3D glasses. As if trying to off these underwear models wasn't stressful enough. Even Tobe Hooper's second part of the original film, as bad is it is, has the world over this soulless money-making attempt which can't even be bothered to stay true to its bastardised storyline and make Heather the age she would actually be. I guess the "demographic" wouldn't be interested in 40 year old's midriff? A senseless, superficial, over-marketed and under-thought streak of pure negative space from top to tail. Actually I take that back; Even negative space has potential.
